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Photo credit: Aliyah Jamous

⚠️CONTENT WARNING: The passage you are about to read is a true life story of a victim that committed suicide due to rejection from the woman he loves as a result of his health issues. This content might be disturbing to some readers.

It is a ritual in my writings to share true life stories and provide emotional support. (Emotional support will be given at the end of the story). . . . . . . .

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. ~Langston Hughes.

Life seems unfair to me. In this context, I became the broken-winged bird that cannot fly, or maybe I am not broken, but choose to be broken. I have always had a dream to be a priest in the Catholic Church. I recall the day I received my letter on a cloudy morning. It was a kind of day that could bring rain or sunshine. The sun was hidden by the cloud and the atmosphere was cool and breezy. There is something unique about cloudy mornings; apart from the fact it could bring either rain or sunshine, it ushers in a quiet and relaxed day. Another thing I love about cloudy mornings is the sounds of chirpping birds. These birds create lyrics only they can understand. At about 10 AM.,I was called to the office. My superior looked gloomy; he told me he did not want me to leave. My instinct already knew the answer, which is I will have to go. I did not grin or scowl; just a straight face. He said few words, which I ignored and gave me a letter slowly. I took it and opened it; I became heart broken. I was dismissed from the seminary school because of my health issues! “You can always visit again”, he said. I left; trying not to shed tears. I packed my things from the seminary and headed home.

HEALTH ISSUES I would not be talking much about this topic, but I will give brief details of my condition for you to understand what I suffered from. What is epilepsy? Epilepsy is a chronic non -communicable disease of the brain. It is characterized by recurrent seizures, which are brief moments of involuntary movements. Epilepsy means the same thing as seizures; a disorder. A seizure is the sudden alteration of behaviour because of temporary change in the electrical functioning of the brain. Epilepsy is a medical condition in which the victim experiences convulsions and blackouts.

My seizures usually begin with stiffened arms and legs. Before the seizure manifests, I would try hard to hold myself, but my efforts are usually unsuccessful. This would be followed by me biting my tongue, difficulty in breathing, and jerking of my limbs. I usually do fall from a standing position when these occur. As the seizure ends, I would feel embarrassed, confounded and frightened. I would also become slow to speak. Sometimes, I sustain injuries because of the fall. Life is meaningless! I said to myself. The only way to end this pain is by taking my life. Talking to someone was not an option for me at this point; I just want to end it! I became obsessed with death.

Few friends from the theological school came to pay me a visit when they had the chance to visit. We usually engaged in a chat about current issues since I left. Some of my friends advised me to take my writing career seriously since I am good at it, while some urged me to get married. We all smiled and chuckled at our discussions. After their departure, I thought about writing and started a career in it. I wrote short fictions, but for the most part, I wrote poetry to express my feelings and hurts.

I wanted to divert my attention by writing, instead of reflecting on the past, but it never worked since I felt I am a failure. Some of my friends were ordained as priests, while some dropped out of seminary school for personal reasons. As time went by, some of my junior colleagues were also ordained as priests. “I am a failure!” I said aloud to myself. “It is better I die and forget about everything I thought of myself.” With this, I still continued living my life and writing but I held on to the thought of death.

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